I am grateful for my depression. Grateful for the moments of joy that I feel in between the lows create by years of ugly mental paradigms, negative self-talk and off kilter brain chemistry.
It makes me appreciate the friends new and old who have stuck by my side when my brain has been in a negative loop and I’ve spend too much time dwelling on things I cannot change. They haven’t punished me for things out of my control and see the woman fighting to get better and healthier as beautiful. They acknowledge my struggle and support me the best way they can. When I go on too much they tell me or change the subject in a not so subtle way to let me know it is time to give it a rest. Sometimes they tell me where they are so I understand that I am not so alone.
It makes me appreciate that they aren’t perfect and I can’t expect them to be. They won’t always have time for me and my problems which also makes me examine those problems a little more closely. If it is really an emergency then they will be there as soon as they can be. If it is something I can handle on my own I do. It may be frustrating to them when I don’t reach out when they think I should, but I am getting better at knowing when to ask for help and when I really can do it on my own.
My depression makes me less likely to sweat the little things as it were because my time and my emotions are simply too precious to waste on them. I need to spend my time working on the big picture and the details that really affect it not the other way around. It doesn’t matter if the picture frame is crooked if the roof is leaking. My priorities need to be in line with my goals.
Smiles are precious things. So are tears. And I have been learning that sometimes I just need to cry and say whatever ridiculous thing has been twisting my emotions. Sometimes they are silly. Sometimes they aren’t. But either way, it is far better to have them out than in.
“In 900 years of space and time, I’ve never meet anyone who wasn’t important before.” From Doctor Who
And that includes you and me.