Last Wednesday, I turned thirty-seven. Birthdays are always full of mixed blessings. This year the scale tipped in my favor and there more happy moments than sad ones.
Marking birthdays is always a dicey game. What have I accomplished in the last year?
- Finished my first book, Blood Child.
- Wrote at least three new short stories and a half a dozen poems.
- Read my poetry at an open mike night.
- Ran a successful Kickstarter campaign
- Escaped the gravitational pull of Florida twice and hugged my best friend since middle school.
- Discovered two new friends, one of whom I share an ex-boyfriend with.
- Found a really awesome second job for the school year, teaching ESOL at night.
- Quit a job for my health.
- Ignored the urge to kill my students and administrators (I think I should get double points for that one)
- Found two roommates who weren’t crazy
- Brought a convertible
- Made an awesome new friend who has become one of my best friends.
- Went out for drinks on my birthday with friends
- Delivered a stuff giraffe to my friend that was nearly as big as she was
- Rescued some kittens and found them good homes.
This year or the last couple of months has helped me to rethink the working my way out of debt by working myself into an early grave. I wanted to go back to school both to help my finances and my career, but with the changes going on at my school and the county that is no longer as appealing. Still, I am happy.
And working on becoming happier and healthier.
My life isn’t where I wanted it to be at this point. Honestly, I thought there would be kids and a husband at this point. And I am not cool enough to say that I am ok with everything being the way that it is and that I won’t change everything for the world. There are some things I want to change and need to change to stay on the happy train. There are times when my depression gets so bad that I regret doing things that I know in the long run have more me happier because the short term kind of sucks.
I need to be the change I want to see in my life.
It is going to mean work and there are parts of me that don’t want to work anymore, but stopping just isn’t in my vocabulary. Today instead of going to a Halloween party I will be home waiting for a friend to come by and pick up a piece of furniture. Now in all fairness, I decided that I wasn’t up to going out tonight and dealing with the anxiety of potential seeing an ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. (Yes, I am bothered by seeing my ex with someone new especially when my love life is in limbo. Petty maybe, but at least I am honest.) And moving more furniture out of my house frees my mind up just a little bit more. Less clutter and less baggage.
I think that’s what I want for my next birthday. Less of the bad stuff and more of the good stuff just like this year.